clear as mud

Sometimes I get so caught up in blogging about the “right” thing, I don’t blog at all.  I don’t like that I do this… but for some reason, I feel like when I blog, I should write about certain topics {Christopher} to make the (few) people who read my blog happy.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.  Sometimes I’ll write a whole big long post, re-read it, and delete it, because I think, nobody will care about this, it’s just me rambling on about nonsense, and I delete it.

A few years ago (summer 2007, to be exact. ok, maybe a more than a few.) I changed. A lot. I realized I was tired of being used, tired of being stepped on, and tired of being a pushover.  And I tried really  hard to change that about myself. I was tired of always having my feelings hurt by people who were supposed to be closest to me. For the most part, I did change – for the better. I was happier.

All that being said, I’ve realized recently that I’ve kind of slid back into that old Stephanie. It’s hard to explain, but the bottom line is, I’m just not happy. With a lot of things. I’m tired of sitting around with a smile on my face, pretending to be happy. I’m tired of letting things slide. I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut because it’s the “nice, polite” thing to do.

I’m also tired of not being happy with myself. There are a lot of factors to this, but if you know me, then you probably know what I’m talking about. And things in that department, I have no doubt, absolutely go hand-in-hand with my emotions right now.

I love blogging. It’s such an outlet for me. And I LOVE my son. And I love blogging about my son, because it’s such a great way for me to document all our family memories. But I also like blogging for myself. Just to talk about random subjects or my thoughts on something or whatever…

Is any of this even making sense?  I have no idea… it’s late and I’m tired, and I know that tomorrow is a long day at school – so I’m not even sure why I’m up and not in bed.  What I’m trying to say is, expect a few changes in my blog (and myself) over the next few months (and hopefully, here to stay.) I do not want my blog to be just about my child(ren.)  I hate having to censor myself, especially on my blog.

If you’ve muddled your way though that… then I’m sorry. I know it makes no sense, but I’m going to push publish anyway, because it’s marking the START of a new chapter of my life. Enjoy!